all i want for christmas

Shopping can tend to get exhausting and feel at times unimaginative. I think sometimes having to come up with creative gift ideas for everyone all at the same time can lead to being overwhelmed and also feeling like you are contributing to the culture of consumption. What are some gifts that the ladies in my life could really use and appreciate?

Salt scrub, soft PJs, and early release

This kit not only includes some ingredients for soft skin and the cuddly clothing to enjoy it, it comes with permission to leave work early so that you can sit alone in a big tub and soak without anyone asking what’s for dinner.

completed honey-do list

You have so carefully assembled a list of things that you want your spouse to do around the home. Both because you care about the home environment and because you don’t want to nor can you do them yourself. This list does not take into account whether your spouse wants to or can do any of the items on it. This gift includes satisfying checkmarks next to each item, and the feeling of a list well-done. Does not require you to ooh and aah over the completed work appreciatively.

credit for your idea

Who needs another candle or funny set of post-it notes when all she really wants is acknowledgement? That idea that we agreed was really great after Michael said it was just as great when she said it first. It was so great that we named the project the Mathilda project, after her.

bitch card

bitch card

We spend so much time trying to convince everyone that we aren’t bitches, but I wouldn’t mind a chance to let the bitch flag fly, at least once per month. Since, on average, my bitchy moods take up at least 25% of my waking life, I would love to delegate a 24 hour no-holds-barred mean girls bitch-fest. A chance to wallow in envy, self-pity, rage, and unapologetic comparative judgement. A day where it’s ok to be flying high and full of sunshine and immediately switch into total medusa mode after the tiniest perceived slight. The bitch card comes wrapped inside a full box of munchkins for the feelings-stuffing comedown phase.



For the socially-connected gal, this season get her what she’s always wanted. Her social feeds automatically unfollow everyone, and instead her feed is flooded with positive reinforcement about her life choices. Everything she has posted to date will be responded to with appropriately positive and inspiring comments, likes, hearts, and well-thought-out responses. Just as if her spirit animal and matrilineal ancestors all materialized to provide support and spiritual guidance. Most of the feedback is positive, although some of it includes important warnings about red flag people and situations that may be about to enter her life.

I would love to provide you with these and other such amazing gifts this season, my pretties. But I am too busy taking care of myself to provide you with these self-care boxes. I encourage you to treat yourself!


Cuddle feet :)A few hours after Thanksgiving dinner, after the period where we went around the table and shared some things that we were all thankful for, an insight emerged. Various family members splayed across couches, feeling comforted by each others’ presence and lazy but happy under the influence of turkey’s tryptophan.

My son said, “You know what’s the best feeling in the world?”

I looked over at his adorable face, fully expecting to hear something sweet about relaxing under cozy blankies with one’s family…

“The feeling when you poop.”

After copious amounts of laughter, I thought – sure! I mean, most of the time, that’s a great feeling! Often it is not, if you inherit my temperamental digestive system.  But let’s list some of our favorite things about pooping:

  • Instant de-bloat
  • A (sometimes) relaxing moment to yourself
  • The joy of perfectly thick toilet paper with ridges, which we spring for
  • A personal detox ritual that doesn’t involve vegetable juice and cayenne pepper
  • Being the first one to sit on the freshly cleaned toilet in the morning (you can tell because the seat is in the up position)
  • Evidence that you are still alive, and that it’s all coming out ok